All the negative thoughts.

I’m really struggling with people at the moment.

I should probably have prepared more for this, considering I’m in a completely different country to 90% of my friends right now.

It feels like everything I say to people is the wrong thing at the moment. When I’m being daft and stupid people seem to take it seriously, when I try to keep the tone light it’s seen as irresponsible and unsympathetic. I say the wrong things, I laugh for the weirdest reasons and I just feel like I’ve been completely alienated from everyone.

My decisions seems contradictory to what is expected and acceptable and worst of all I’m sure that people are purposely avoiding me. Most of my conversations with others are just small talk, even the people I talk to online. I wish it were easier for me to reach out to one of my friends back home just to catch up and chat but I don’t want to have to talk about what’s going on with me. I just want to sit and listen to other people talk and not feel like I’m a third wheel.

I miss coffee with my best friends, and I miss car-chats on the way to or from home. I miss sitting in a room with a friend, playing video games and babbling about random stuff happening online. I miss having people to babble about my ideas with. I miss watching other people play video games.

This feels too much like a diary than a blog right now, too – and I think that further enforces this idea in my head that I’m ‘doing the wrong thing’ socially. It seems that ‘something’ has happened to me recently to totally flip my personality upside down. I feel like I’ve been shoved into a mixer and someone keeps pressing the button that just mixes you for a short burst and then just when you get used to being that way they press it again.

I have to admit my self-care habits are not the best right now. I’ve been eating 1-2 meals a day, sleeping at ridiculous hours, finding that I stay awake too long. I sleep between 8 – 14 hours most days, and then seem to be able to stay awake for 20+ hours every day. I’m supposed to be going back to work this week now that schools are back but already I’ve written Monday off. It’s 2.22am, and I need to be ready for 7.15 to get a call for work. :/

I thought I was getting better and getting a good grip on what I was doing but now I’m not so sure.