It’s one of those buzz words, isn’t it?
It used to be something I struggled to accept, that I was ‘reliant’ on a particular drug to get me through life. My Dad didn’t like the idea of me taking anti-depressants, my ex told me I was going to rattle, an old boss said that he didn’t think I needed to be on them at all. Being on medication became another one of those things that I constantly questioned about ‘myself’ and it wasn’t until I was well into my 20’s that I finally came to the conclusion that it really didn’t matter if I needed to take something so that I could function well through life.
What I know since being diagnosed with Borderline has changed some of my thinking about the drugs I was given in the past, (but it is probably best to save my thoughts about co-morbidity for another time!) but I still stand strongly beside my opinion that sometimes individuals can need a particular drug in order to maintain a ‘steady’ attitude to life. Without that every day can be a struggle. I’m still never sure whether I will wake up on ‘x’ morning and feel ready for whatever I might have planned that day, but I know with more certainty that it is likely I will.
Recently, after a long(er than usual) bout of low mood and general disinterest in practically anything I managed to get myself off to visit my GP. (Who took one look at how long I’d been on the previous dosage and said ‘yeah, I think an increase is a good idea’. Is it??? Why?? Whatever.) I’d already decided that maybe an increase in the dosage would help me to feel more like ‘me’ again, but I’d completely and utterly forgotten what it feels like when you do actually take up a new drug or increase it.
The last four days have seen me unable to sleep until well past midnight, and yet surprisingly alert and awake the following day despite getting less sleep than I’m used to. It seems strange then that I’m also having moments where my eyes are not focussed on whatever I’m looking at, and I have to shake myself to be able to do what it is I want to accomplish. My dreams have been memorable (unusual!) and weird.
Other than that, I’m feeling positive about the difference. Feeling like you’re ‘you’ again after a time of self-doubt is a relief. Over the last four or five weeks I have questioned my decision to go to University and study Law, wondering whether it would be better for me to get a ‘proper’ job or find something else to do that has immediate rewards. Distancing myself from friends hasn’t been helpful, or easy actually.
As of right now, in this minute as I sit here typing away (in a new and improved? wordpress document creator that doesn’t like spaces after words) I should be studying. In particular I should be reading about the principle of Parliamentary Sovereignty. I have my Public Law textbook at the ready, and I’ve even written this down as a task in a ‘new’ web-based app I’ve found that combines Kanban with the Pomodoro technique.
I frequently look for new and better ways to motivate myself. Whether that’s finding another budgeting, studying, tracking, mindfulness app or hunting down the next ‘perfect’ notebook for writing a journal but right now (possibly thanks to the increase in meds???) this desire to find better things to ‘use’ on a daily basis feels like it has increased tenfold.
Is this procrastination?! I hear you ask. Well, yes probably it is. When I do manage to actually fight the part of my brain that wants to sit and think about sorting all the cat pictures and gifs on my phone, or re-writing my budget for the millionth time but THIS TIME in an app that will calculate how much I should be spending, or posting some more pictures onto Instagram, or coming up with new blog posts, or thinking up more tasks that don’t actually need to be done or questioning whether there’s any point in getting on with anything because I have a groceries delivery in two hours…
The truth is, that no matter how many study aids you use, or however many apps you have on your phone you have to be able to switch off from everything else and actually get on with it. Easier said than done, I’m sure you agree.
My friends would tell me I need to stop telling myself what I ‘should’ be doing and go a little easier on myself. Take a deep breath, take a step back, turn off Fun! Hospital and read. Even if it is only for 25 minutes (you can do this).