Making Decisions

I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am not the only person in the world who has difficulty with decision making. This is not an issue that is limited to those with mental health difficulties and it affects many people in different ways. 

Some people who have to make huge decisions which impact the lives of many struggle with smaller everyday decisions – as if all their decision-making power was ‘used up’ in the process of their every day work. 

Others have a long process which they follow when making important decisions. Some have to write out pros and cons, deliberate over the facts they are faced with and do their own further research to support that decision. 

There are so many different kinds of decisions that any one person might make, and different ways of posing that question to ourselves. Take something as simple and getting dressed. What do I want to wear? What do I think other people might want me to wear? What does the weather suggest I ought to wear? Of course, different situations would call for different decisions and the importance of those decisions. 

If you’re planning on lounging around the house all day you can quite literally wear whatever you want. That dress you bought for your friend’s wedding and have only worn once, or those really comfy trousers that have seen better days but are great for curling up on the couch. 

If you’re going to a job interview, obviously – the opinions of others are something you want to take into consideration. Even then there are a number of questions I know I would be posing to myself. Growing up, my Father instilled a sense of ‘neatness’ in my appearance and I don’t see me going to a job interview in anything less than black trousers, a shirt and a blazer. What if this interview was more relaxed though? What if the interviewer is hoping to see some of my personality shine through in my clothing choices? Making human connections is important in most interactions we have with others, especially when it comes to work – and employment with people who we will potentially be spending most of our working week with. 

Decisions that I struggle with most are based around food. Am I hungry? What am I craving? Do I have any food in the house that I can cook easily? Do I want anything that I can cook right now? Where do I want to eat? Is this healthy? Should I buy this bar of chocolate when I know I’m just going to eat the whole thing in one go even though it’s the biggest bar of chocolate I’ve ever seen in my life, and don’t get me started on Jelly Tots. I can count the number of times that I have sealed a packet of Jelly Tots back up to save for later. 

Later, I will probably question many decisions that I’ve made. Today has been a relatively good day, food wise. I had a veggie breakfast with my Dad in the City for lunch and re-heated some leftovers from the weekend that a friend helped me cook for dinner. I’ve even got some Linda McCartney Sausage Rolls cooking for ‘snacks’ through the rest of the week. (If you haven’t tried them yet, I implore you. They are scrumptious, I promise! 

Now, at this moment the chemicals in my brain are in a state of flux. My GP & I (or, just me) made the decision to increase what dose of medication I’m on. That was two weeks ago, and anyone who has been on anti-depressants knows that it can take 6-8 weeks for the new dosage or drug to come to a therapeutic level. Before that I’d been experiencing long periods of low mood, and honestly – that’s just not who I am. So it made sense, of course – but in the mean time I just have to keep managing with this constant fluctuation. 

As a Law student, that isn’t really an option. Trying to justify my decisions isn’t easy, and the one point I really wanted to make with this post is that when you have a health condition (like Borderline, or depression and any number of other things) you really start to question those bigger decision. 

There are not enough fingers and toes on my body to count the number of times I have asked myself what feels like it should be a simple question. 

Why am I studying Law?

Two years ago, when I decided to undertake a Law degree it felt like a decision made on a whim. On reflection, there was a lot of thought and discussion involved in the process and if it hadn’t been for those conversations with other people – I’d be studying Social Policy instead. 

Low self-esteem, lack a self-belief, the mess of chemicals in my head, the difficulty of the work I’m being asked to do, the complexity of the cases and the need to be able to focus and apply laws are all reasons that flitter through my head when I ask myself this question. Who am I kidding? I’m never going to be able to achieve this HUGE goal so why am I bothering? 

It hurts that I think this. It hurts that despite the advice and support that has been offered around me, that my thoughts gravitate toward this way of thinking. I know I’m smart enough to do the work, I understand it well, and even I can see that there are cases I can remember the details of. Hell, half my friends have joked that they’re getting themselves a ‘free education’ from all the facts that keep rolling off my tongue. 

So why do I feel like I haven’t made the right decisions? The difficulty I’m having to focus at the moment has impacted on a number of things. My ability to get to sleep, to go to lectures, to read for more than a paragraph and feel like I haven’t just been daydreaming about cats the entire time. Equally I’ve been having those kinds of dreams where I’m not sure if they really happened or not? Some things that happen are more obvious than others, but when you remember a news story and you can’t remember if you actually read it, or you read it in a dream – things can be complicated. Until earlier today, I had managed to convince myself that the next assignment we had been given was simply ‘Choose an area of law and explain it to me’, and have been having both awake, and ‘asleep’ thoughts about this. These are some of the only ways I’m really aware of the levels of anxiety I have, because it feels like all the other anxiety is just ‘normal’ for me now. 

I’m still looking for the right indicators that suggest I am right in standing by my decision to get a degree. Although a know, somewhere in the far reaches of my brain that this IS what I want, I am capable, and this wasn’t a bad decision – there is a haze of emotion that wants me to think otherwise. 

Worrying that all this ‘stuff’ going on at the moment is an elaborate form of self-sabotage is another thing that keeps me awake at night. 

It is my sincerest hope that by Christmas the chemicals in my brain will settle, that I will be able to get on with the work tasked to me and when the 17th January rolls around I’ll be ready and raring to go. 

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The trouble with sleeping & more BPD.

Trigger warning: Mentions of death. (In dreams.)

A lot of people have sleep problems, and I’ve recognised that there are a million ways that people try to combat the struggle to get to sleep.

What works for me is video games. It’s got to be something pretty mundane though, whether it’s Pokemon Shuffle, or grinding on whatever RPG I’ve been playing lately. It’s never something that involves focus, like when I get a new game or want to continue the story line of whatever I’ve been playing.

Tonight, I decided to try to go to sleep at 12, and convinced myself that because I’d hardly had any sleep last night it was probably going to be easy to nod off. I played Pokemon Shuffle until I ran out of lives and then tried to fall asleep. That was probably my mistake. My eyes weren’t almost closing on me, and I wasn’t almost ‘dropping’ the 3DS.

When there’s something bothering me in ‘real life’ it’s usually that which I end up thinking about. Like something I said to someone earlier that day that I perhaps feel like I shouldn’t have, or something I said that in a situation that was likely misunderstood, or something I did which was dumb. It happens almost every time I have a conversation with people. When there’s nothing directly in my thoughts, they often wander to things that happened perhaps not today, but several days, if not years before.

It’s like playing a word association game with myself, except instead of a flash of words I see, feel and think all the thoughts I had whenever the moment happened that I’m thinking about. Sometimes I think of people, and ALWAYS I think about the worst situation I’ve been in with them. That one time I was sure they ‘saw right through me’ and understood that my comprehension of whatever is happening is far more than I’m making out to be. I know I can worm my way out of a lot of situations, but equally I know that there are times when I am so oblivious to something – AND there are other days when I know I’m oblivious to something, but I’m not sure what it is (or, that is my perception!! There’s a ‘problem’ but there isn’t.)

So the thoughts gradually twist, memories of one person will link to another, with someone else in another situation that is progressively ‘worse’. Like I said in my last post, things are ‘easy’ here so it’s no trouble to simply get out of bed and do something else. There are no issues if I stay up late and wake up much later. It’s those moments when I force myself to stay in bed and sleep, usually ’cause I have work or whatever in the morning that start to spiral out of control.

To make it worse, I’m terrible when I haven’t had enough sleep.

Tonight, I’m not going to bother trying to force myself to sleep. It’s not worth the inevitable pain that it will eventually cause, whether that’s in the form of freakish thoughts of death (like spontaneous combustion!!) – or that ‘feeling spiral’ that lands me believing my life is pointless and there is no point in my being here. It’s a feeling I’ve never been able to explain myself, but I’ve read a lot of things other people with BPD have written that seem to hit the nail on the head and it’s agony. That’s all I can really say. Perhaps one day I’ll be able to find the words to explain the process.

Anyway. I guess I am starting to over think things again. I have placed pressure on myself. I signed up to complete NaNoWriMo this year, and already I’m finding it hard just to do because I so desperately want to find creativity and writing is my passion. Maybe I’m just forcing myself to do something when I shouldn’t be!? I keep questioning so many things.

I want to find success, and I suppose the fact that I’ve been here a month and it feels more like a year should give me a sense of things to come. I have 47 days here still, and I keep going through cycles of managing to stay ‘calm and relaxed’, and just let life happen. Then I have other days, when I’m trying to take notes about what I’ll do when I get home. Projects I want to complete. Possibilities to make myself some money, goals I want to achieve, promises I want to keep and it’s so dumb, and yet it’s so ME.

I want to be successful, and I want it to happen right now. It’s part of the reason I’ve decided NOT to look for work right away. It’s the reason I want to ease myself back to reality and responsibility and people, because I know I need time to adjust. I’m uncertain if my impatience with myself is self-sabotage, or if I’m so worried about what people will say if I don’t get a job right away that I’m convincing myself I need to at least have some kind of side income.

Again, as always. I just want to be normal, and be able to reach out to people and not let my perceptions ruin my relationships with friends and family. One day, I hope I can have a conversation with someone without picking it apart for the rest of the day. I hope I can find ‘myself’ and know for sure what I want to do with my life and do it. I know I’m capable. I wanted to go to Australia, so I did it!

It’s just one long road, and I suppose a part of it is finding a way to help myself learn how to ‘shut off’.