Relaxing

I lost my step-father at the end of January. As soon as I found out about it, I knew that I needed to visit my Mum. That was the easy part of course.

Over the last two months, my Mum & I have been trying to sort through so much of their life together. It hasn’t been easy to say the least. It has been stressful, tiring, wearing, exhausting and mentally draining.

University needed to be placed on ‘pause’ and I had to depend on the support of friends back home to make sure things kept running smoothly whilst I was away.

However, I have been incredibly fortunate to have friends on this side of the world that offered to let me stay with them for about 2 weeks before returning home. The whole idea is that I let myself have a ‘holiday’ from what I’ve left behind so that I can prepare myself for the recovery that needs to take place once I get back into the UK.

The purpose of relaxing is not lost on me, but I actually think this is first time that I’ve been consciously aware of the fact that I am actually capable of it. Even after I started to ‘chill out’ I started to question what I was actually doing with my time. There was a sense that I ‘should’ be doing ‘something’, although it’s pretty clear that there’s nothing I can do from here that will fix anything that needs to be done once I get back to England.

So, I’ve been attempting to really relax, and it’s been liberating and also a little telling. There are still a lot of ‘thoughts’, I worry about this that and the other, what impact my actions and words have on the other people around me and what I’m thinking and feeling and most importantly¬†why?¬†In the end however, I did concede and ended up purchasing myself a Bullet Journal so that I could take some more control of my life. Perhaps it’s a step backwards, but I can say that since I bought it, and started using it to log my much smaller day-to-day chores and events I feel much better about the whole thing.

Being able to look back and see what I’ve done is useful, and to give myself smaller goals that will help settle the uneasy feeling in my head has actually worked! It’s simple stuff too, less planning months and months in advance and more accepting each day as it comes. I’ve set myself little goals, ‘have a shower first thing’ or ‘put laundry away’ or ‘mail postcards’. It’s definitely easy to forget that these seemingly ‘simple’ things were at one point or another really difficult to accomplish – but just ordering my life some how has given me a greater sense of purpose.

Weird, honestly – because I was already doing those things, but it felt increasingly like I had to open myself up to a new project or plan some huge ‘game plan’ for the future.

The truth is that I have decided on a few avenues to follow once I get back home, and there are definitely jobs that I will need to ‘get done’ when I get there. Not that I’ve written them down! I have a feeling that will happen on my return to England on the plane, maybe? It’s a long, overnight flight – but there will definitely be time to take some notes and make a few lists.

Mostly, I’m just glad that I’ve been able to take a deep breath and just ‘be’. It hasn’t been easy, and I still struggle to ignore that nagging doubt and the constant questioning but it’s all practice isn’t it?

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All the negative thoughts.

I’m really struggling with people at the moment.

I should probably have prepared more for this, considering I’m in a completely different country to 90% of my friends right now.

It feels like everything I say to people is the wrong thing at the moment. When I’m being daft and stupid people seem to take it seriously, when I try to keep the tone light it’s seen as irresponsible and unsympathetic. I say the wrong things, I laugh for the weirdest reasons and I just feel like I’ve been completely alienated from everyone.

My decisions seems contradictory to what is expected and acceptable and worst of all I’m sure that people are purposely avoiding me. Most of my conversations with others are just small talk, even the people I talk to online. I wish it were easier for me to reach out to one of my friends back home just to catch up and chat but I don’t want to have to talk about what’s going on with me. I just want to sit and listen to other people talk and not feel like I’m a third wheel.

I miss coffee with my best friends, and I miss car-chats on the way to or from home. I miss sitting in a room with a friend, playing video games and babbling about random stuff happening online. I miss having people to babble about my ideas with. I miss watching other people play video games.

This feels too much like a diary than a blog right now, too – and I think that further enforces this idea in my head that I’m ‘doing the wrong thing’ socially. It seems that ‘something’ has happened to me recently to totally flip my personality upside down. I feel like I’ve been shoved into a mixer and someone keeps pressing the button that just mixes you for a short burst and then just when you get used to being that way they press it again.

I have to admit my self-care habits are not the best right now. I’ve been eating 1-2 meals a day, sleeping at ridiculous hours, finding that I stay awake too long. I sleep between 8 – 14 hours most days, and then seem to be able to stay awake for 20+ hours every day. I’m supposed to be going back to work this week now that schools are back but already I’ve written Monday off. It’s 2.22am, and I need to be ready for 7.15 to get a call for work. :/

I thought I was getting better and getting a good grip on what I was doing but now I’m not so sure.