idek

It’s 8am.

This would be a good thing, you know – if I was waking up at this time of the day, but it’s night for me. I woke up at 1pm yesterday and since then have pretty much just been on the internet all day.

I watched the last few episodes of Dr Who that I got out from the library, and Captain America: The Winter Soldier. I’ve been tagging like crazy with Tony and getting ridiculously over-excited about threads with people.

I tried to go to sleep earlier, and about 20 minutes later I gave up and decided to check my e-mails. Again.

After that, I tried to sleep again. There’s a crazy strong wind here at the moment (28mph right now), so that’s been keeping me up. I think I have a headache because of the lack of sleep and also because I’ve pretty much just been drinking Diet Coke, Dr Pepper, Coffee, Tea or Hot Chocolate for the last two weeks.

I laid down and started thinking about how ridiculous things have gotten for me. I’m so bored I’ve been trying to make ‘plans’ for my future. Wondering about whether I should try and go to university full time, or if I should try to enroll in a college course. Once I get started along that track I start thinking about what kind of job I might end up with, and how awesome it would be to be to actually have the skills to land a well paid job one day, which is laughable because it would only take a smidgen of stress and I’d be out like a light. How can I possibly maintain a job with any responsibilities when I freak out if I think someone thinks I’ve stapled something the wrong way, or made their coffee wrong, or put something down in the wrong place?

That’s when I had the genius idea to look into the possibility of private therapy and that is just laughable. Even if I had all the money in the world there are NO private counsellors I can find within 20 miles of Lincoln who offer DBT as a therapy.

I just want to curl up and give up. I just– what is the point? Everything is fight, fight, fight. I’m going home to amazing friends that I don’t deserve. I’m going to fuck everything up. I’m going to over analyse everything, even more now that I’m aware of even the simplest things being because of who I am. It’s going to drive me crazy asking someone if they’re okay only for them to tell me they are fine and I know they’re not. I can’t stand not being let in, and I can’t stand being too close to people.

It’s just pointless, really. There is no one I can think of that I haven’t upset, or been a bother to. I know that a lot of people don’t care. The point of friends is that you forgive them and move on but I never stop thinking about it. I never stop thinking about that one time I stood somewhere which was a dumb, unhelpful place to stand and didn’t even realise it and had to be told to move. I remember that time I couldn’t say anything so I grunted at my friend when they asked me if I was okay and their cheerful mood died and went to hell somewhere. I’m a vindictive, spiteful, childish little girl and I no more WANT to grow up and feel like I’m capable of it.

This life is pointless. Everything is so pointless.

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