Trigger warning: Mentions of death. (In dreams.)
A lot of people have sleep problems, and I’ve recognised that there are a million ways that people try to combat the struggle to get to sleep.
What works for me is video games. It’s got to be something pretty mundane though, whether it’s Pokemon Shuffle, or grinding on whatever RPG I’ve been playing lately. It’s never something that involves focus, like when I get a new game or want to continue the story line of whatever I’ve been playing.
Tonight, I decided to try to go to sleep at 12, and convinced myself that because I’d hardly had any sleep last night it was probably going to be easy to nod off. I played Pokemon Shuffle until I ran out of lives and then tried to fall asleep. That was probably my mistake. My eyes weren’t almost closing on me, and I wasn’t almost ‘dropping’ the 3DS.
When there’s something bothering me in ‘real life’ it’s usually that which I end up thinking about. Like something I said to someone earlier that day that I perhaps feel like I shouldn’t have, or something I said that in a situation that was likely misunderstood, or something I did which was dumb. It happens almost every time I have a conversation with people. When there’s nothing directly in my thoughts, they often wander to things that happened perhaps not today, but several days, if not years before.
It’s like playing a word association game with myself, except instead of a flash of words I see, feel and think all the thoughts I had whenever the moment happened that I’m thinking about. Sometimes I think of people, and ALWAYS I think about the worst situation I’ve been in with them. That one time I was sure they ‘saw right through me’ and understood that my comprehension of whatever is happening is far more than I’m making out to be. I know I can worm my way out of a lot of situations, but equally I know that there are times when I am so oblivious to something – AND there are other days when I know I’m oblivious to something, but I’m not sure what it is (or, that is my perception!! There’s a ‘problem’ but there isn’t.)
So the thoughts gradually twist, memories of one person will link to another, with someone else in another situation that is progressively ‘worse’. Like I said in my last post, things are ‘easy’ here so it’s no trouble to simply get out of bed and do something else. There are no issues if I stay up late and wake up much later. It’s those moments when I force myself to stay in bed and sleep, usually ’cause I have work or whatever in the morning that start to spiral out of control.
To make it worse, I’m terrible when I haven’t had enough sleep.
Tonight, I’m not going to bother trying to force myself to sleep. It’s not worth the inevitable pain that it will eventually cause, whether that’s in the form of freakish thoughts of death (like spontaneous combustion!!) – or that ‘feeling spiral’ that lands me believing my life is pointless and there is no point in my being here. It’s a feeling I’ve never been able to explain myself, but I’ve read a lot of things other people with BPD have written that seem to hit the nail on the head and it’s agony. That’s all I can really say. Perhaps one day I’ll be able to find the words to explain the process.
Anyway. I guess I am starting to over think things again. I have placed pressure on myself. I signed up to complete NaNoWriMo this year, and already I’m finding it hard just to do because I so desperately want to find creativity and writing is my passion. Maybe I’m just forcing myself to do something when I shouldn’t be!? I keep questioning so many things.
I want to find success, and I suppose the fact that I’ve been here a month and it feels more like a year should give me a sense of things to come. I have 47 days here still, and I keep going through cycles of managing to stay ‘calm and relaxed’, and just let life happen. Then I have other days, when I’m trying to take notes about what I’ll do when I get home. Projects I want to complete. Possibilities to make myself some money, goals I want to achieve, promises I want to keep and it’s so dumb, and yet it’s so ME.
I want to be successful, and I want it to happen right now. It’s part of the reason I’ve decided NOT to look for work right away. It’s the reason I want to ease myself back to reality and responsibility and people, because I know I need time to adjust. I’m uncertain if my impatience with myself is self-sabotage, or if I’m so worried about what people will say if I don’t get a job right away that I’m convincing myself I need to at least have some kind of side income.
Again, as always. I just want to be normal, and be able to reach out to people and not let my perceptions ruin my relationships with friends and family. One day, I hope I can have a conversation with someone without picking it apart for the rest of the day. I hope I can find ‘myself’ and know for sure what I want to do with my life and do it. I know I’m capable. I wanted to go to Australia, so I did it!
It’s just one long road, and I suppose a part of it is finding a way to help myself learn how to ‘shut off’.