Cold Bay has a library, and I went there specifically to fetch some DVDs to watch for something to do. I’d hoped to find Supernatural, maybe one of the new marvel films or something like that.
In the end I brought home The Judge, The Quantum of Solace, the first season of Blacklist and a documentary on autism called Autism is a World.
I’m not sure how I ‘forgot’ about the children I used to work with – but there are so many children that I’ve seen and worked with in the past that I wish I could continue to work with. There have been times when I’ve felt so sure about what I want to do in the future, especially when I’ve worked specifically with individuals with autism. It’s hard to feel certain that it’s something that I’m good at. I’ve been told I work well by the same people who have told me that I couldn’t work for them anymore.
Having watched this, I feel so much more sure about the way that I used to communicate and interact with the students I worked with. I tend to get ridiculously ‘lofty’ ideas about myself, and my ability to support them, and then when the end of the day came along I would spend hours trying to work out which bits I did wrong and could almost always find a way to uproot my reasoning and replace it with something else that meant what I did was the wrong course of action.
I’m 100% sure that the Borderline makes it more difficult to accept what other people say about me, mostly when it’s good things that they have to say.
I read a post, on reddit again, that talked about the good things that come from having something like Borderline, and one of the things that really stood out for me was the idea that we are more able to understand others. I can understand and empathise so well with people, so easily – in a lot of ways I think that’s what helps me to work with the people I’ve worked with. I desperately hope that it’s not something that I’ve constructed myself, or a belief that isn’t true.
I feel certain that I have a future in the supporting of children and young adults with autism, it just feels like that’s where I fit in. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to make a huge impact on the lives of many people – I used to feel like there was something more I would be able to do and maybe that’s just me speaking as I am right now – where I feel like I’m right at the ‘bottom’ of the ladder, but for now a future where I can do the best I can for a few individuals feels like a massive accomplishment.
Just thinking about these kinds of things makes me wish that I could just go back home right away. I’ve already constructed a plan in my head of things that I want to happen and I’m aware of how damaging that is, but I can’t help but make plans and want to do things that I set my heart on. It’s a dangerous thing, and god only knows how many people have warned me against planning ahead and living for today – after all, there are still just over 2 months until I go home to the UK and until then I want to be able to achieve something.