When I woke up this morning, I knew it wasn’t going to be a good day. I’m not sure what it was that made me feel like that… but I just knew. In hindsight I should have thought about it enough to be able to write it down before the day began.
Well after I’d eaten breakfast, my Step-Dad had a chicken sandwich. One of those ones that you stick in the microwave to heat up and eat, and about 30 minutes later I felt like I wanted one too, so I went to the freezer to look for one but there wasn’t one there. It’s an open plan area, so I asked Mum and she said there weren’t any more.
I pretended to throw a tantrum (and I feel the need to say that I really was pretending, I wasn’t really intensely upset by not having anything to eat. My general feeling toward that fact was a shrug.), got down on my knees and whined about not being able to eat, and whined at my Mum about not knowing what to eat and then she started to make suggestions, but to be honest, there wasn’t anything I particularly wanted. Noodles, a peanut butter sandwich, soup. I’m really not partial to these kinds of things, but I found it difficult to voice the feeling because this then whilst I was sat there, I realised how ridiculous I looked.
I’m almost 30 years old, sat on the floor – which is covered in bits of dirt and dog hair, laid down on the floor whining about not knowing what to eat and I was overcome with a feeling of… just upset. I was just upset. Who else even does that?
My Mum was giving me suggestions and I just laid there feeling really stupid and not being able to tell her what I wanted, or didn’t want or how stupid I felt being aware that at 30… Thirty. I was laid there in the middle of the kitchen floor acting like a child.
It was difficult to feel bad about it. It was equally difficult to picture anyone else of my age, or any of the people I know acting in the same way.
It’s also hard to accept that I don’t think I would want to act any other way. It felt completely natural to get into that position, and it was hard for me to think that this was behaviour I probably needed to change. Even as I type this I’m thinking about the masses of people who will think that I’m a dumb kid who refuses to grow up.